A San Francisco Transplant’s Guide to NYC
I believe in exit, so I exited San Francisco and came to New York City.
Think of New York as the San Francisco of the East Coast. It's a cozy coastal town with beautiful beaches, big bridges, and enough 100-year-old housing for everyone.
Still, the cities differ in important ways, so I created a guide for anyone feeling confused.
New York’s Storied History
A lot has happened in New York, but I’ve compiled all you really need to know here:
First, New York City is divided into 5 of what they call “Bureaus”:
The Manhattan — this is New York City. The Big Apple.
The Brooklyn — this is the Oakland of New York City. Fun fact: The Brooklyn is the most populous bureau, even bigger than the “main” part of the city (The Manhattan)
The Queens — This is basically just more The Brooklyn.
The Staten Island — You can think of The Staten Island as an extremely large forest which they have preserved for a small number of wealthy New Yorkers. Like Marin.
Bronx
There’s also this guy named Robert Moses, you’ve probably pretended to read a book about him. He’s basically a New York version of Marc Andreessen. In fact, Robert Moses once paraphrased Mark Andreessen’s famous line: “it’s time to build.” He said, It’s time to build parks and highways in New York City.
Where to do LSD
When my friends consider moving from San Francisco to New York City, they have a few reservations. The #1 reservation I hear is: but where will I do LSD?
The beautiful weather and abundant nature of San Francisco is perfect for tripping. New Yorkers have to work a little harder to get the “set and setting” of their trips right.
Not to worry: New York is full of stimulating plazas, the best of which is called Times Square. As a San Franciscan, you’ll love the cyberpunk aesthetic and tribute to capitalism. The extreme crowds are reminiscent of Outside Lands. I recommend taking your acid with a big slice of Sbarro pizza (a local favorite) and washing it down with some Blank Street Coffee. Many New Yorkers also wear their favorite fursuit when tripping in Times Square.
Times Square is the center of New York City and the world. Everything flows through this block, a bit like Civic Center BART.
How to Bootstrap Your Cult
I know of a couple successful cults in Manhattan but they’ve all rejected me, much like Y Combinator.
To channel my resentment at being passed up by “the man”, I decided to “bootstrap” my own cult. I chose to startup my cult in The Brooklyn. The Brooklyn is charming, but the housing stock is limited. Honestly, it's been a challenge to lead a cult out of a 4-bed loft; I would’ve preferred a Victorian.
That said, I suspect there is a major opportunity for those of us who want to bootstrap cults in New York City, since the market for cults is still in a major recession after the NXIVM incident.
Here’s something people don’t talk about enough: finding love in the big city. I’ll be honest, growing my polycule has been my #1 struggle as a transplant. I was surprised to find so little traction in New York, “The City of Brotherly Love.” So far my polycule has only been able to grow to 23 people. Our growth has slowed and we haven’t hit our KPIs for 3 months, so our investors are considering shutting us down.
When I had more runway, I went to Equinox here (yes, they have Equinoxes in New York City! The best parts of the west coast have been adopted here 🥰). But they don’t seem to be as chill about being naked in the sauna, which has basically destroyed my #1 source of “warm leads” for the polycule funnel.
My plan to solve the polycule struggles of New York City is to start a polycule accelerator. It’s called XXX Combinator. If you want to fund this, DM me.
Native New Yorkers
The native people of New York (which I’ve been told means people who moved to this city 4 years ago) can be quite territorial. Make sure to compliment them by recognizing the length of their tenure and the depth of their cultural knowledge. Avoid calling them "transplants" or "immigrants" at all costs — they much prefer to be called natives. I’ve attempted to compile a list of the appropriate honorifics for New Yorkers according to the length of time they have been in the city, but your mileage may vary on these terms.
1. Transplant - 0-12 months
2. Immigrant - 12-24 months
3. Native - 24-48 months
4. 48+ months - I’m not sure whether anyone has accomplished this yet
Shopping in New York City
New Yorkers love to shop, and when they say shop, they mean it in the old-school way, where you exchange money for goods. DO NOT take items from the Walgreens and walk out the door, you WILL get stopped by the NYPD. Unfortunately, I learned this lesson the hard way. The stores here aren’t free.
What to See
The Empire State Building
I absolutely adore New York's version of the Salesforce tower. The Empire State Building is less obviously phallic, so its meaning is in the eyes of each beholder. Personally, I see a ketchup bottle, the type you’d find in a classic New York City diner.
Central Park
Central Park is like Dolores Park, only bigger. I’d recommend stopping by if you’re in the area.
The Brooklyn Bridge
The Brooklyn Bridge is basically the Golden Gate Bridge of New York City.
Hot tip: if you walk the Brooklyn Bridge, and look in the distance, you’ll see a statue of a woman. New York has so much public art!
I hope this post has made New York City a bit less intimidating for you. It’s a great place to live, at least for now. I’m a bit worried that in 10 years it’ll be overrun by European transplants. But if the worst happens, we can always try Seasteading again!
Special thanks to Andrew Rose, Liam Duffy, and Daniel Golliher for coming up with most of these jokes.
LOL this is art
😂